updates and other mish mosh

Yes, I too have days and weeks much like this. Although the sun is blazing brightly outside, I feel like there's a huge cloud hanging over my head. I've spent much of this week in huge mood swings, one minute feeling fine and the next wanting to lash out at anything and everyone. I even had a couple people (who dont know each other and live in different parts of this country) say I sounded grumpy and they just knew something wasnt right. No, it isnt simply from empty Saturday nights...infact it's nothing from online. For once all the problems are situated very firmly in the homebase and not online.

As we get closer and closer to December, and my husband's release date, Im getting wound tighter and tighter. I've been finding it extremely hard to sleep a whole night without interruption. I suspect it's because my mind is mulling things over constantly and as a result I toss and turn most the night. I know most of this shit is stuff I cant control, but being high strung....it doesnt matter that it's not in my control, I still get uptight over it. I've found out that although he's looking for another job, it's in our best financial interest that he stays for the severance package. With the way the mortage rates have gone up (50%!!!), the house that cost us a little more than $100 more than what we were paying at the apartment complex (just the mortgage payment, not the insurance on top of it) is now costing us much more than our budget can handle comfortably. I knew it was going to get to the point where I was going to have to pull a job eventually (assuming no children were forth coming) just on the basis that I really need to get out and socialize and the exercise was going to do me good. However, in an ideal world getting a job was going to be my idea and come along when I was damn ready for it (ready being the operative word here now I gotta dig and figure out why I havent been ready in 3 years because Im not a lazy person so that aint it). Well, this being reality and all, the choice has now been taken out of my hands. This isnt exactly what had me depressed the last few days (althought the fact the choice was made FOR me and not one I made on my own pretty much upsets me). The depressing thing is that I found out on Monday (last week...not this past one) that things were rougher than I was led to believe. The mortgage payments not only have gone up several times since we bought the house but two of those came just this year since we've been married. Not cool. The last conversation we'd had when he said they'd gone up had resulted him saying that it was up to me if I went back or not. Now, after 3 years he knows I have a slight hearing problem and no it aint "selective". If you turn your back or walk away from me while talking I do NOT hear the last bit of the conversation. The last part of what he said went completely unnoticed by me until just this week when we were discussing it again. The last statement had been "but it sure would help out if you did". So now Im not only upset with him for allowing it to go this long but Im pissed at myself for not noticing. What's a gal to think when some of the same stuff is coming in the house and we havent visibly started cutting luxuries? Instead of paying for the cd in the cart...allow me to take it out of the money in my purse. A couple times of that happening you know Im gonna be more chosey. Or better yet...tell me we cant afford much extra at all these 2 weeks. That'll make the point, trust me. I KNOW what "we cant afford" means. Been there, done that. The only thing I can think of is that knowing where I come from he's afraid Im going to toss him aside and leave. I mean I have done it before. The difference here is the man loves me and has no qualms of saying so infront of everyone.

Hubby went to the ENT last week. From sound of things, all is healing well. The dr had used those dissolvable stitches so there's nothing to remove. Infact, the ones she put in pretty much are gone already. He's got an appointment next week to check the healing. Thankfully, once the pills are gone for the rinse solution he wont have to do that anymore. This is really good because Im really tired of getting up in the mornings to make the solution. Oh I know he's a big boy and can do it himself but I also know he wont do it unless it's made for him . From what he's said the wash tastes nasty and he hates having to do it. A good deterrant so one doesnt get hooked on it I guess. No, you arent supposed to drink it but you squeeze it up the nostril and it runs out your mouth so it leaves a really yucky after taste. Kinda makes me not want the surgery myself and you can guarantee I'm fighting my sinuses tooth and nail to not have to take that option.

Last few days I've been only looking at options for us. Things are so damn expensive. For less than what we're paying on the mortgage we can get a 3 bedroom apartment in a bad section of town. Nope nope not that. Alot of the 2 bedrooms are as much or more than what we're paying now. Even on the low end it'll be tight. A savings over what we have now yes, but still tight. I told hubby if I go and get a job this week we will be staying in this house or at least this neighborhood because Im not going to get settled into a job and have to leave it right away. It's not fair to me and not fair to the perspective employer. Basically I told him if he wants to move to decide now. He suggested that we stay until after the holidays that way I can shoot for seasonal employment with the possibility of staying permanent if we end up staying in this house. He did see a house "down the road" (Ive found that down the road doesnt necessarily mean down the same street here in Texas) that was for rent for less than what we are paying now. It's supposedly in an area near some businesses (one being a Racetrac)....there better be more than convienence marts in the area I'll tell ya. There are a few places I refuse to work at..... gas stations and convienence marts are one because they get robbed regularly and food establishments. I am retail through and through. So I think this week we'll take a look around and see what's available. One thing we need to remember is we have tight funds so the option of setting up in a new place and fixing up this place to sell just isnt feasible. Hmm I think I just proved to myself we aint leaving here any too soon. Maybe we'd better just go job hunting instead. I have a list of some stores in the area close enough where it would be feasible. Just means I am going to need to put out cab money (these places are about a $10 cab ride one way away from me) a few days a week unless I get the HR to arrange my schedule to fall on my hubby's off days. Right now they are Thursday- Saturday and every other Wednesday. Those are days most retail needs the most workers anyhow. It just means if I get a job that streaming is going to be out of the question for a while (well I guess that decision was made for me too...) because I wont know what hours Im pulling on Saturdays and you KNOW as being low person on the totem pole my hours wont be regular (sounds like something else I know).

Come November, hubby will be going on nights again for the reminder of his time there. Yeah, Im upset but this was his decision and I have to agree to why he decided it. With money so tight, it's just beneficial for him to go on night shift because of the 15% differential (more money). Looks like this month is going to get where I wont see him much because he'll be covering for someone as well as pulling his own shift for a week (possibly two). It'll mean more money and I guess he's talking to the boss about going on "bankers hours" on the days he's covering (which in this case would be 8-5pm) so he isnt so whipped. If he does that it means no overtime daily though (his company does overtime as after 8 hours for the day you go on OT and not after 40 hours weekly like most places do it). It still means more money overall though.