KatyLou

So, it's been one of those days and it's not even half over yet. I read far too long last night and into this morning so I had trouble getting going at my usual hour. Who are we kidding, I didn't even come close to seeing my usual waking up time. Thanks to the weather pattern that's been in the area, I haven't been feeling even close to the 85% I usually run at. Don't get me wrong, I love the cold and wet, I just hate how it's been making me feel as I get older. Weather like this usually means migraines most of the day now so I try to be sure to wake up slowly. Don't rush into getting ready because the wrong move could trigger more pain than I care to have. So anyhow, as I was waking up and getting my meds into me, I heard the front door open up. Hubby came home, early. I know he hasn't been feeling too well either so I just figured he came home sick. No biggie. Then he yells up the stairs that he's taking Katy to the vet. Considering our discussion from last night, this wasn't much of a surprise. Even on her meds, she's had a rough couple days and her poor fuzzy belly's been so distended. It looked as though one more trip to the water bowl was going to make her pop. So he called this morning and made an appointment to see what can be done. He took her in and I guess the look on the vet's face said it all. He said he could drain some of the fluid off, but it was likely that she might not survive the procedure. All it entails is a syringe to siphon off the excess liquid. However, she's an old dog, not in great health with a heart problem... so the stress could kill her. Hubby decided to have it done anyhow because she was so uncomfortable and having trouble getting around. Good news is she made it. He got a load of bad news while he was in for the appointment. Katy's in her next decline and we're not entirely certain she'll make it to her next birthday, actually we're not certain she'll make Christmas at this point. Especially since there's still some drippage still and that's got me more than a bit worried. I've contacted hubby,who in turn called the vet. I'm just waiting on a call from the vet to see what's best to do at this point.

The question is now becoming quality of life because that belly's just going to refill. We'll need to bring her in and expose her to that stressful situation again and again. Each time is a possibility that she could die right there on the table. I've told him.... it might be time. As much as I hate to say it, as much as it's hard to tell our girl is really sick by the way she acts, it might be time. We're hoping she gets through Christmas at least so we don't have to face the heartbreak during the holidays, but when a body's ready to go... it's ready to go.

Untitled

So the Creative Moose has wandered off into the dandelion patch and has been refusing to come out forever now. Trying as I might to entice him to frolic a bit, but it's been damn well impossible. Stupid mooses. I see a dear friend from NYC area has started up her blog again. I so missed seeing stuff from her. After a back and forth in the email from her I figured I'd better drop a note in here and let others that don't see me much in FB know that I'm still kicking.... somewhat. Seriously need to get over this writer's block. Anyhow, shortly after dropping my friend a note, I saw this on my newsfeed:

You have permission to rest.  

You are not responsible for fixing everything that is broken. 

You do not have to try and make everyone happy. 

For now, take time for you. 

It's time to replenish.

Okay, so it's taking me alot longer to replenish than most. Considering the 10+ years of crap I dealt with and all the medical shit that's been hitting the fan over here, it really isn't surprising that the moose is refusing to leave the dandelion patch.  Maybe I need to think and refresh some of these pages because evidently,  some are no longer what I need to be doing. It's highly possible I simply need to close out a few and retool a few others.

Tomorrow's Never Promised

So Sunday I signed into Facebook as usual and found a friend request sitting in there from a person that I haven't heard from in several years. By several years, I mean that I was 10 or 12 the last time I saw her putting it at more than 30 years since we'd talked. I have my account on lock-down, so it's very hard to find me if there isn't at least one friend in common. I noticed there was one.... a girl I had gone to school with. So I went to the mutual friend's page, to see if the requester and I had been talking or if she'd "liked" a thread I'd been talking on. Something to tell me why I was getting this request now....

And that's when I saw it..... those 3 letters that no one ever wants to see on a friend's page.... R I P. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? She and I had just been talking on Friday evening, early Saturday morning about a tv program. Suddenly, just like that, she's gone.... and all because of a freak accident. The same kind of accident that I had not 2-3 years ago. Only this girl, she wasn't so lucky. Seems she fell and hit her head. That's all it took. A fall and then nothing. From what I saw in the comments, they found clots in her chest. It wasn't specified whether they were in her heart or lungs, just that they were there.

*sighs*

She was so excited about what was going on in her life. She had a good job and had just moved several months ago to her dream home.  There had frequently been new pictures on her page showing what she'd done to decorate and how well her garden was coming along. I hear that she'd had a Memorial Day picnic at her new home and had one planned for The Fourth of July. Things were really looking up for her and her long time boyfriend. Then in an instant, it was gone and we're left with a hole in our lives.  She was only a few months older than me..... she was only 46......



It got me to thinking exactly how much there was to lose and exactly how lucky I am. Make sure you tell those close to you that you love them today and hold them a bit closer because tomorrow's never ever promised.....


  

A reminder from home

And sometimes all it takes is a moment while cleaning out your email inbox to have some things become clear... I love you too, daddy.

  STRESS   

 

 

A young lady confidently walked around the room while explaining stress management to an audience.

 

With a raised glass of water, everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'Half empty or half full?'

 

But she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.

 

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.  

 

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.  If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

 

She continued, "And that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

 

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.  When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced”.

 

So, as early in the evening as you can, after you have done the best you can, “your personal best”, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... pick them up tomorrow” when you are fresh and rested. Learn how to conquer your stress by taking on small burdens at a time rather than all at once. You will achieve so much more and be even more proud of what you have accomplished!

 

Guidelines for Life:
 

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the

Statue! Sometimes life sucks!!

 

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

 

3 * Always read stuff that makes you feel good; In case you die in the middle of it, you will die happy and content!

 

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

 

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague!

 

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!! Count your blessings!


 

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. 

Show them what you have accomplished since then!!

 

8 * Never buy a car you can't push. Remember, everything important in life may require extra work!

 

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.  Never be too proud or too boastful!!

 

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!!

 

11 * Since it's the early bird that catches the worm, then sometimes wake up early;  Be sure to keep your eye on the important things in life!!
             

12 * Don’t be despondent if at first you don’t succeed; Despite what they say, the second mouse often does get the cheese!
 

13 * When everything's coming your way, are you in the wrong lane? 

Be thankful and appreciative for your successes. Don’t be smug. 

 

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Grow old with a good attitude!  
 

15 * You may be only one person in this lonely difficult world, but you may also be the world to one special person!


 

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. But improve on them each time!     




17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have
weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.  Take pleasure in other's
oddness! Accept those who are different from you!

 

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Master the detours in life!
 

19 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate! 

 

20 * Have an awesome day and know that someone thought about you today.  
And it was me!!!

When Sir Arthur Becomes a Bigger Bitch Than You Are

I know I haven't been the best in and around here for awhile. However, a few have asked after me and it's just so much easier to update everyone at once instead of trying to write everything out each and every time....

As ya'll know, about a year, year and a half ago, I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know a great deal of the problems could be corrected with substantial weight loss (and maybe a trip or five to a therapist..) so I got myself to a nutritionist. She put me on an eating modification and I took up riding a stationary bike. Boy I was doing so well too. I'd lost 50 pounds and was feeling great. That's when my "good" knee decided that the grinding in the "bad" knee obviously wasn't enough to aggravate me and decided to give me a great deal of pain, heat and swelling. A couple days rest and things were fine, so I carried on. I did, however, make an appointment with the dr and then went to an orthopedic regarding my knees.

The dr had x-rays done on both knees and the ortho and I sat down to review them. I was diagnosed with severe arthritis, bone spurs and knocked knees. Great. I was also told the latter problem I'd more than likely had all my life and was I prone to falling? Yeah, I was and had. The damage had been done and there isn't much they can do but suggest OTC painkillers or shots (I chose the former). It was recommended I find a good cane and take some of the weight off that bad knee. This was October of last year.

By November, my right knee had taken a rather alarming turn for the worse and developed a bad wiggle. It didn't just give out slightly, oh no. It gave out enough that my whole right side fell downwards and as a result gave me a lurching walk and placed extra stress on my knee, hip and back when I walked. By December, I was walking with a cane and by Christmas the knee went one step farther and started a back and forth wiggle on every step. I could no longer walk at a normal speed. A normal speed gave me the double wiggle, a slower pace gave me the lurch and the only way I could get around cane-free was to take little half steps.

By January, I was begging for the shots. I kept putting it off because I knew they were going to hurt alot. By February, my knee was popping several times a day and my hip would join in 2-3 times a week. It grew extremely painful to get around and any thoughts of getting on my bike had gone out the window. Actually, thoughts of the bike were shot by December by the knees being so very uncooperative.

In April, I caved in and went in for a shot in the worst of the two knees. I also broke down and bought a wheelchair suitable for my weight (it's not, that's another story though) so I could still go to DC (pictures are slowly getting loaded to the Flickr account) when my friend (NYBro) came down from NY.

I was told in my appointment that my knee "crumpled due to severe pain", but this shot would "make my knee feel as good as new", that it would "hurt for a few days after" and that "it took a couple weeks to feel the effects". What's this tell you? Told me that I shouldn't have much of an issue getting around, just a bit of a wiggle once in a while. They were kind enough to sign some papers for me to get a temporary handicap placard for the truck because I simply couldn't make the walk from the back of the parking lots anymore. After the shot, I was totally LAME for the entire night and had a helluva time getting around my home. The next day? I felt great. I was able to get around the store during our weekly shopping trip with minimal to no pain. Awesome. The next day, however, I only got a half day pain free.

Since then, it's been all down hill. The Icy Hot I'd been using on both knees does nothing, the OTCs don't work and the shot most definitely has done nothing. The pain's actually increased in both knees. The left knee, which had to start taking all the weight 80% of the time as opposed to only half the time, has increased in pain and has started giving out a couple times a day. This was the way the right knee started so many months ago. It's very painful going up and down stairs now. The right hip, which had cleared up there for  bit, is back to popping 2-3 times a week. The right leg tends to drag when I'm super tired. The cane's not doing much good anymore. Oh and I seem to also have developed another pain in my left leg. If it doesn't feel like a bug climbing up or water dripping down my leg, then it constantly feels like it's wrapped in an ACE bandage and it always feels like it's on the brink of falling asleep on me. This pain developed a couple weeks ago. I guess it's time to bite the bullet, get over the fact that I gained ALL of that 50 pound loss, and just go to the doctor again.

Today and yesterday have been a real joy as getting in and out of chairs and any amount of walking is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes. Lying down hurts, sitting hurts , walking hurts.....

Oh... and my shoulders have decided they want in on the action. The right one I'm fairly sure got jacked up with my purse. In December, after a week of pain and the acquisition of the third leg, I decided that it was in my best interest to wear the purse cross my body. Go figure it's "in style" now. All I can say is thank God for adjustable straps. The left shoulder has just recently started acting up (as well as my hand and forearm) but there's not much that can be done. It's doing that because it's being worked constantly with that cane.

I'm suspecting the temporary red handicap tag is going to get made into a permanent blue tag by September....

Any bets that I end up in that damned chair for good and we'll need to move simply because this townhouse isn't built to handle a handicapped person?

awards and a tour of bloggyville

Warning: extremely long entry.You'll be here and in other blogs for awhile so save me for the last read. I don't mind, honestly. Just make sure you go potty, wash hands, grab a meal or snack and drink...yadda yadda yadda...you know the drill...before sitting down. Oh and grab some kleenx just in case.


We all know what a poor bloggy buddy I've been. I didn't get my thank yous out timely and this one deals with the awards I didn't post when I should have. As much as I'd like to blame it all on the addiction to that site that I have, I suspect many of these simply got jambed up behind the Journey entry. Most of my usual readers can tell you, if I get something on my mind and I don't blog it right away, well everything else gets tossed to the back burner until it's dealt with. Usually, once I get the problem out of the way...the rest of the entries all insist on being told LIKE NOW!! However, I had a dr appointment on Thursday and it's taken til today to actually feel close to 95%. That's another whole entry though. If you have yet to have these awards given to you, please feel free to help yourself.

Anyhow, these are all the beautiful awards that were either specifically sent my way, OR the general reader was instructed to please take. Many of my friends are like that as we don't like thinking that anyone got left out. The only two that I'm sure of where I got them are the first two, because I made sure to change the name slightly while in the files so I knew who. Not sure why I didn't with the other two. Anyhoo...the first two were swiped off of Deanna's Blog. They were so beautiful that I couldn't resist.



I ~think~ this next one came from Wendy, I'm not entirely sure. I seem to remember making a comment on her blog saying I already had it....


*goes to double check*


Yeah, here we go the rules to this one are on this entry that she wrote on September 2nd.


Now, this one....I have no clue who I swiped it from. I suspect it may have been iggy's blog although I'm not really 100% certain on that. If someone could look into that for me? Thanks.

N/M I found it.

Anyhow, if I recall, this one was supposed to provoke some actual thought and as such became a bit of a speed bump because if you've learned anything about me , it's that anything that takes thought pretty much places my brain in traction for weeks. Well. In honor of this award I'm going to put in some links of my more popular entries as well as a few of those entries of others that really touched me in some way. Personally, I think collectively ALL of you deserve this award and should be proud to wear it on your blog somewhere (oh crap...this means I gotta get these uploaded into the Slideshow stream now...).


The most popular of my entries by far seem to be when I'm in a very dark spot or when I fail at something. Why is that? I thought for sure everyone wanted happy bloggers? *laffin* Anyway, I had two tie for the position of "Most Popular Blog Entry" at a whopping 21 comments a piece (ok, so it aint whopping, but dammit...I got a very small following comparatively speaking and not everyone leaves a bloody comment like some of y'all's entries get!). The first one was written on February 10th, dealing with my then SCSis (now GaSis) who'd called me up and left me feeling very disturbed. The entry was titled In A Dark Dark Spot Right Now . This story seemed to have reached a bit more even footing as of the end of July. However, I'm in the dark....again.... I am hoping it's just that she has no phone service and no friggin common sense to ask the boss if she could make one 5 minute phone call to assure her friend of 30 years that she's ok. I surely HOPE it's nothing more serious than that. Needless to say, it's weighing heavily on me right now. I do have an idea, but it needs to wait until tomorrow.


The next one was written on August 11th in 2008 and was entitled Itshouldabeenakodakmoment. A bitch of a title to write, but one that expressed the frustration of not being properly armed, OR while being properly armed just not having enough juice in the damned camera to get that perfect "Kodak moment". This, too, garnered 21 comments. I think this one may have actually gotten that number because I asked a question at the end of the entry (which is something I don't generally do). Maybe I need to write when I'm pissed off, sad or frustrated more often?

Some of the runners up are:

From the Home page (please remember this blog section plays music automatically BUT the player's at the top so you can turn it off):

The Committed TShirt creation that was made for iggy. This May 12, 2008 entry got 14 comments.

The Super Bowl Sunday post that debutted the new bumper sticker for the upcoming election season. This entry from Feb 2008 had 11 comments.

From the "Padded Room" entries (the Like a Phoenix blog):

The Nov 13,2008 entry entitled Tour of Duty-TRU intermission where I go into a small side track of some of the troubles occurred in the one apartment I was living in. Surprisingly, they WEREN'T caused by the jerk I was married to at the time. That one had 9 comments on it. It only got that many because I'd neglected the blog for so long though.

Then there was the 2 parter I wrote in June of 2008 called Great Escape. Both part 1 and part 2 got 2 comments a piece. Not bad considering that it's a much smaller circulation than the 2 Cents blog.

The last 3 entries come from the Journey blog. It's another that I don't exactly update frequently. Mostly right now, it's a place to whine and put things that I deem much too adult at times for my usual writings. All 3 are ones I wrote in 2007.

Interesting Read dealt with information as to why certain test were being performed and why certain medicines were being considered. We've sense discovered that the one medicine does NOT play nicely with my body. This was writen August 16th and got 8 comments.

Two days prior I posted one entitled Thursday August 2nd where I dealt with the indignity of being a woman, seeing a new doctor and having a very long overdue pap. What some of the issues were that the dr was considering placing me on. All the "Let's try and get this baby started" good stuff ya know. All that stuff that had to be placed on the back burner because hubby had to have certain surgeries to fix him up. At the time, I had to weigh things as to importance. His, which were MEDICALLY necessary.... or mine, which were just because I wanted a baby. Obviously, his were much more important.(7 comments)


The last worth mentioning in this section is I Hate This Feeling which dealt with the fact my dr stuck me on Prometrium and how the drug affected my body. This got 7 comments.

Now. Here are some of my favorites of the ones I read.

The entire Insight Series written by Dorkys Ramos, where I think I saw this reflection type post first. I like these posts because they really make me think (and then the brain goes into traction and I forget to comment most times....just know that they're some of my favs of yours).

There are a few over at Yaya's Place (whose Fragment Friday entries are the bomb all and on their own) that really get to me. Why? Because Yaya and I are sorta in the same boat right now... or at least in two like boats rowing side by side. Each wanting desperately what some women (Octomom, Kate, et al) seem to get so friggin easily. We just wanna be mommies. Her entry on Aug 10 2008 called Why I'm A B^tch goes into the side effects of the medicine she's taking to help her get pregnant and the frustration (and I suspect a bit of depression) she gets every month when the medicine hasn't worked it's magic.

Then there's her entry on March 22nd of this year that actually made me cry. I had to step away from the computer for a good long while after reading How Do You Be Happy For Others where she answers a reader's email in detail on her blog. All those same feelings that I have...right there...and someone else was feeling them too.

Next we're going to visit iggy's blog entry called Trees Are Like People (June 3rd) was stunning and thought provoking even in its simplicity. I haven't seen a tree the same since. A real shame that no one thought to include this gem in their choices. Oh look...it was HIS blog I first saw the award on...awesome.

Oh look...THIS is where I got the award (*whew* I really would hate to think I swiped yet ANOTHER award!) so I actually EARNED this one too!! I got the award from over at Deanna's Blog in August. I am going to agree with iggy on his selection of He Had Curly Hair and a Crooked Smile and I Loved Him Very Much as one of the best entries. I'd say that a close second would go to Change Your Thinking entry. That one got me to thinking of an idea for an entry which I have yet to post but I think I'll stick in the drafts for the next appropriate moment as they seem to hit every year at least twice...

.....7th inning stretch.....

Put down the food for this one. This one is from Marmy's blog and the entry is called Laff Me Red Stripey Sock Off. Actually, most times it's inadvisable to be drinking or eating while reading her posts. It's much too messy and I'm sure the monitor and keyboard don't appreciate getting splattered. This is one of her shorter entries but gives you a good idea what she's all about.

Then there's always a trip to Razors and Vines blog. I suggest reading the entry entitled Ever. I love the quirky writing style. I just may need to adopt that style considering both sides of my personality like to fight for control of the keyboard.

do not

Do so.

And the last stop on this entry is going to be in Shan's blog. Her entry, An Apple For the Teacher? Nope, School Supplies which went into how little teachers get for supplies for their classrooms. Every word of what she had to say was true. Actually, things are much much worse for the private schools... or at least it was at the private Christian school I worked at in Louisiana. I was there for about 3-4 years and I can tell you the average there wasn't even the national average for teacher pay. They were alotted ~maybe~ a grand total of $50 per semester for stuff for the classrooms (visual aids, decor, standard supplies like chalk and erasers were supplied by the school if extra was on hand) and dickyboy's salary never topped $24,000 for the year.

She also wrote one called We Are Women...We Must Backstab that I think should be required reading for everyone. Thankfully, I don't believe I've seen any of my bloggy readers saying stuff to purposefully hurt another around here. Now sometimes, there's the errant question that gets misread, misinterpreted, whatev... but that happens because of the medium. If we could only HEAR what the heart and mind of the writer is writing, then there wouldn't be nearly the hurt feelings.

Well, that completes our 3 hour tour...

Holy shit it took me that long to write???

Yep, it did (thanks to the contant stream of emails that came in while I was writing and we all know I just can't let 'em sit there when I'm at the computer....).

Burned Biscuits

When I was a wee ''tike'', my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that
biscuit and eat every bite!


When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Baby, I love burned
biscuits."


Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits
burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults and choosing to celebrate each other's differences
is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who
will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket! Keep it in your own."

Today's share came via the email from my mom. Normally, I'd place a story like this in the Inspirational blog but not many people visit that particular area of my sites... so I thought I'd share it here.

and now for a word from our author

Ok, I think I just about have this blog to where I want it. I'm actually pleased with the look I have so it shouldn't change too much....well until autumn shows up in the next few months!

Anyhow, you'll notice a few additions and changes. Some will be staying for a while and one or two, well they'll be on their way out the door at month's end.

I've got a new profile pic up. There's this cam sitting on my monitor that I haven't used so I was playing around with it a bit last night (early this morning). I liked some of the effects it did, especially the one that's in the profile pic. It kinda reminds me of Hula's profile shot. Does anyone else miss her? I do. Alot. Anyhow, if ya reading this...that pic is a tip of the hat to you, my dear.

Since I changed my profile pic, I knew Pop N Ice would be going thru withdrawals so I reposted the pic of the kids. I may put a slideshow up of them later just so she can get her Dharma fix in.

The pictures I've been posting that I took are also over in my Flickr account. If you look to the right, you'll see a section called Styx Clyx (originial, I know)... click over there and it'll take you to the account. Feel free to poke around and check the other Clyx over there out. Some pictures have notes and descriptions and in some cases, additional stuff that I don't mention in the entries. I'm trying to decide if it's going to be worth my money to go pro there. It depends on the traffic and if I'm clicking enough to make it worthwhile.

Oh...I found out last night, while going through my brother's Flickr that he'd done a shot similar to my banner one. And here I thought I was being original. Sheesh. Anyhow, that'll change in a few days because I think I found a better shot (I was aiming for the words on the mirror) of it.

Some of you have noticed that I added an email to the profile. Well I'm here to say that I absolutely hate the fact that I caved in to those that clamored for it. Sorry y'all. Why? Because all the updates of comments on my blog go to my main account... it's the account I check multiple times during the day because I generally have a certain IM service running. The yahoo account that the account sends you to, well I don't check it as often so sending something there doesn't always guarantee that I'll get it in a timely manner. I've had a few emails show up and I'd completely forgotten why I left the comment I did. I'm really kinda pissed I caved and NO, I'm NOT about to change it to the main account I check frequently. Most of you know why. The year 2012 is coming fast and I need to make sure the hatches are battened tightly. Anyhow, I'm leaving the email hooked until the end of July, at which point it will be removed again. I figure by that time anyone who really WANTS to contact me will have been given the other email addy. Either way, the fastest way to get a response is to drop a comment here.

I've mentioned some weeding. this will happen sometime this next week I think. I'm following about 50 blogs and only have 24 followers... well 23 that I can see, someone is obviously following as an anonymous because I can't see them (wuss!). Anyhow. Since I've been following everyone's blogs and have been more or less faithful on leaving a comment or three daily and I'm getting so little in return, I have to venture a guess that the bloggy love is only going one way and to be honest, I aint up for a one sided friendship. I've got many other things I could be doing than following all these blogs and not hearing anything back. I've got a pretty good idea on who is leaving the love and who aint but I'll be watching and tracking back a month or so to check out the pattern. Anyone who is following me, is pretty much going to be kept in my "must read" area. Those that comment but don't follow, well I'll be keeping you around too. Those that don't bother? Pbbbbt! If this means dropping a couple that I enjoy because they don't visit...ah well. I've done it before and after a few weeks I simply won't miss 'em.

As for the invisible reader... please drop a comment otherwise I'll take this puppy private and you won't be invited. I'd rather lose readers and keep those that really give a damn to keep the friendships going than to be over stressed and cranky because I have little to no time for anything else (painting, needlework, READING!). I have no clue how those with many more followers manage to keep up with everyone but ya know, I'd be much more than willing if I was being shown the same in return.

NYBro, if this goes private, I'll email you the blogs so you don't miss out.

Excuse the mess!

Please excuse the mess. I'm trying to freshen up somewhat around here and see if the change of scenery will get the Creative Moose back to work. She's been awful lazy lately (and not just in my blog, Im sure).

I finally got around to sporting a 3 column format. It's something I've been considering changing to for a while now. With any luck, it won't slow my readers browsers down too much.

Along with the 3 column format, I'm going to slam some spackle up and get some fresh decorations on the wall and in the banner. You all know me, it won't last long once it's done. I can hear Shan now..."I'm tellin ya, this chick's got BADD...Bloggy ADD!" What can I say? I'm a Leo, it's in my blood.

I'm thinking that the blog needs a fresh new title to go with it. I've had someone point out to me the last day or so that my blog's name is really hard to remember. I don't know why..then again, my family was really into theatre and I used to be in choir so maybe it's easier for me. Maybe I should put the song up permenantly on my page so it earworms its way into everyone's head? Nah.

So I've been tossing around ideas and can't come up with anything. I need a nice snappy title that I can live with forever that also conveys ME. The only words that keep cropping up as I think about it are Fragment and Fracture. I don't really want to use the former as it's too close to that game that some of you play on Fridays but what can I do with the latter? Everyone put on your thinking caps and leave some ideas below. If you need some ideas, go to the Padded Room and Archived 360s and read. I don't want it to reflect the past life as I have a blog for that. It needs to reflect the damaged life attempting to move forward and deal with the day to day of now without having a total meltdown daily. Did that make sense?

Oh hell, I could always swap the titles of the Home page with this one.....would that be easier?

Neglect, expansion, redundancy and loss

So while we were out several weeks ago, I noticed a building that we must have passed several times over the 18 months or so we've been here. Actually, considering I'm at the dr's office once a week, it's more than just several times. When we first moved into the area, it used to be an Animal Clinic. Sometime in the last several months (probably a good 6-8 months ago), the clinic has closed down. Since then, it's taken a rather forelorn and neglected look. The day this picture was taken, the first thing I thought of when I saw it was the fact my account at Blogger has much began to resemble it. The pages don't get freshened as often and the entries...yeah right. We all see how that's been. *laffz* Now ya see why the building reminded me of my blog. Both are in desperate need of love and care.

Although several businesses have closed down around this area, but we've been seeing expansion as well. The furniture store that closed down in the strip mall behind our townhome is in the process of being taken over by the second hand book store, McKays (which is presently in the same strip mall but in a much smaller location). It's good to see that their business is doing so well that they can expand into a bigger space. I guess we can thank the economy for that. With things the way they are, the second-hand stores are doing better than usual. Not many people want to pay full price when they can get items that are next to new for a fraction of the price. That's fodder for another entry.....

In the line of expansion, the Walgreens near my dr's office is getting close to opening up. Kaiser (my dr's office) has built a new building and will be moving into it this weekend. I'll be going there next week for my shot. Just down the road from us is a store that's been empty for a while. The signs say an Aldi's is moving in. I'm looking forward to checking it out. One of these days I really should see if it's within walking distance. It'd beat crossing that busy street (4 lanes) to the new WalMart that's being built in the mall (I'm guessing it's about the same distance of a walk, too).

Some businesses are doing so well that they feel the need to build two of their company side by side, like the &-Elevens below. The only major difference between the two is that one has a gas station attached to it and the other does not. Gotta love redundancies.

Well, we've covered the neglect, expansion and the redundancy. You'll notice there isn't another picture, yet I do have one more word in that title. Jeannie, the good news I hinted to in my email (ya know, the "I know something you don't know" email)?

*points to the Weight Watch ticker above*

Yep. Thursday was a trip to the dietitian. Not that I really needed it, but after the last unofficial weigh-in (256.6) I decided that it was time to get one on file. Anyhow, I needed her to see I was still doing well and that I hadn't gained any of it back. I weighed in at a 253.....45 pounds gone in 10 months. I'm 13 pounds down since my last official weigh-in in February when I had to go in for that sinus infection. The weight loss is slow going and it seems to bounce around (not a straight downward slide, but an up and down with a downward trend....did that make sense?) but it aint coming back, so long as I behave myself....which I rarely do.

Catchin up...part 1: Dealing with Blockage

So yeah, I've been having a bit of a blockage issue here. Oh no, not THAT kinda blockage. Ew. No, I mean the kinda blockage that comes from something in your life happening and bringing you to a low point which brings on a funk that is so damn hard to fight. It makes it difficult to do the most basic of things, even just jotting a few notes down in a blog entry. Those that have known me for a few years know that when I get this way, it takes a while for me to work out of the funk. They've also probably noticed that it takes longer each time to "get back to normal". These same friends could probably tell you what things are liable to trigger bouts of depression or make them worse if I'm already there.

Takin' it back a month:

Everyone who's been reading my blog know that I've been working at losing weight. I've done rather well. My last unofficial weigh-in was about 2 weeks ago and I'm down to 260, a good 38 pounds lighter than when I started. YAY! Every week up until March 20th, I'd take those smaller jeans that I'd saved from that box of clothes that had been given to me... hold them up and say "just 5 more pounds and I'm sure they'll fit!" On Friday, March 20th, I put on my knit pants and realized they were much too baggy to be wearing out in public without looking like a pathetic slob. I picked up a pair of the black jeans I'd been waiting to get small enough to wear and decided to see how close to fitting in them I was. Imagine my surprise when they pulled right over my butt comfortably AND buttoned easily! Not only was I in a pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller but I also had this going on. I had alot of hope and joy in my life.

Saturday the 21st, I took a test to see if I could confirm if that was really happening. I mean at this point it was 4 weeks late and all. Imagine the disappointment when I found out that it wasn't the answer I was hoping for. Although there's still hope the test was wrong, right? Oh no. Not for me. Sunday came along with its own confirmation that it wasn't to be. Top that, a story hit the news that night (or was it Monday) that brought me to tears. The friends I've known for several years can all pretty much tell you that a story of this type is a very big trigger for a case of depression. It's a trigger because I've tried so hard for so long and gotten nowhere. Yet some others who seemingly have no problem, throw their blessings away like so much garbage. It really hits me deep in the core and makes me cry every single time about the total unfairness of it all.

I can't tell you how timely one of my friend's entries was. She posted, right about the same time this all was happening, answering a question she'd received via an email about how she managed to stay so happy in her situation when realistically she shouldn't be. Her entry brought tears to my eyes as she expressed how she truly felt and how tiring it can be trying to be happy for people when you cannot seem to manage to have a child on her own. For me, being around pregnant people can be a real problem and even as late as afterwards and upwards into the child's toddler years. It just makes me very sad (imagine how hard to find out each time my brother and his wife find out they're pregnant, been through this twice already). Knowing that we don't have the means (unless the insurance covers it) to do everything that entails invitro or even the other option of adoption, this is pretty much it for us. If it's not natural, it simply will not be happening. So now we're into the testing phases. He'll need to go first because it's less invasive and I'm sure a whole lot less painful. Then will be me if his tests come back fine. If his come back wonky, I won't bother testing as it won't matter at that point. The hardest part is not knowing if we can or cannot. I'm hoping once the tests all come back, I might get better with this issue... even if the tests come back with answers we didn't want to hear. I may just see about a therapist at that point if the answers don't seem to quell my thoughts on it. I mean realistically, if the tests say we can't, then it's not my fault and I shouldn't be blaming myself. Then again, I know me too. In anycase, thanks for posting that sweetie. Sharing what you did really helped to know that I'm not alone with those feelings.

Well, anyhow, shortly after that entry hit... another one got posted that was really kind of cryptic. Since I was already feeling low, this one hit hard because I automatically assumed it was done because of the comment I'd left on the first one's blog. I know now that it was simply just bad timing and that it had nothing to do about my comment. However, when it happened I felt kicked in the gut. I got the same feelings that I'd get with my now ex as he had a way of making me feel so very small. I'm so glad I held off and didn't post what I was going to around then. The damage would have been excessive, I'm sure. In the end, I was mad at myself for allowing those thoughts to come to my mind and happier for the person in question. I hope you got everything sorted, dear. And remember what I told you, don't ever let anyone make you feel that small.

Once I get into a funk with a blockage like this, it becomes increasingly more difficult to write the longer I let it fester. I don't write not because I have nothing to say, but more along the lines of I don't know how to word it so I'm fully expressing myself without being offensive to anyone else (been there before, didnt like it one bit). Plus, when I look at my situation from an outsider's viewpoint...my problems are so damn small compared to what others are going through, which keeps me from dealing with my feelings and just allows them to bottleneck up. Once I get myself over it, the flood-gates open and I'm able to write again which is good because all the other entries that need writing are just piling up behind it. I think I'm close enough to being over it now so you know what that means...several entries are on the way. I've got a couple of awards that need posting and a third one I've created to give out. I've got pictures over the last few weeks to share, new items that I've bought and a couple of gifts that showed up in my mailbox in time to start putting a smile back on my face.

Gosh, I hope this all makes sense.....

mental blow up

Ok. So first and foremost, Im going to apologize to all of you as I havent exactly been the best bloggy buddy lately. The green-eyed monster likes to pay me a visit around the end of December when people start talking about going to visit (or having over) family for the holidays . Why? Well because my family happens to have gypsy tendencies and is scattered to the 4 corners of America so the ONLY family I manage to get to see during the holidays is my hubby's family (who all conveniently live in one place). God forbid if we were to plan a trip to see my family or my friends because somehow we'd just have to visit his family anyhow (cutting the trip to see mine in at least half). Ok, his gramma's in her 90's and frail...I'll give them that... but still. We wont even go into the fact that they ask every other phone call (and both sis AND mom call once a week each) when we're coming back in.


If the family issue wasnt bad enough, Christmastime is usually when some blogs go into high gear posting about the kids in their lives....sharing videos and pictures of little ones having a great time opening presents and joining in on the festivities. I CANT be telling others that they can't discuss these things as they're THEIR blogs and I have absolutely no right to tell others what they can and cant discuss such matters. All I ask is that you understand why, at times, I seemingly just fall off the planet. Thing is, I was married before for more than 10 years.....and there are no little ones (other than the furbabies) gracing my home. Although some days Im grateful that one didnt come along at that point of my life because the divorce would have been worse than it was, the fact still stands that Im going to be 40 this year and the clock's ticking away. I know there are a few of you out there that know exactly what Im going through.

The end of January was a little rough too. I was running on a high from my appointment and a low from the bug (discussed below) that I almost forgot a couple of very important dates. The 28th is an important date for me.....this year is Independence Day 4. On the 31st, was my daddy's 63rd birthday and my gramma's 2nd year Heavenly Birthday....man I miss her.

The last month or more hubby and I have had a cold going back and forth between the two of us. For the most part it's been lasting a day or so with me and then pops back over to spend time with him. The same bug's been going around his work as well. This past Thursday, after that wonderful appointment, I came home and wasnt feeling so well. My cheekbones were hurting and my face felt warm. I felt so unwell that I took the first dose of that antibiotic that's been sitting on my counter (it was issued to me over a month ago "just in case")...I even skipped my bike ride. Yeah, I felt ~THAT~ sick. I crawled upstairs to watch my usual Thursday night line up and ended up putting on my long sleeve night gown AND the plush robe.....and I was still cold. I ended up cancelling my shot for Friday because I cant have it if I've been on antibiotics. Friday I was still ill enough to keep me off the bike. Saturday I felt a bit better so I did a gentle ride that day as well as Sunday and Monday. I was schedulled to go to level 8 on Monday *IF* I felt well enough but when I went for my ride, I felt I better not push things. Im going to give it another week or two and see about increasing at that time. It'll all depend on the dr's appointment on Friday. The ZPak didnt seem to do too much good this time around and I suspect by Friday I'll be miserable again. I've been so out of it that I not only failed to keep up in the blogs in a timely manner (there are more than 50 I follow and some of ya'll write many times a day!!), but it was also Monday evening before I switched my tunes out in my MySpace..... Oh man...and I still have a few awards I'm meant to be posting (and then update in the Awards entry) but for the life of me I cant remember who all awarded me ones lately. If you'd be so kind and check...if you have one you awarded me and I havent posted it yet.....leave the link to the entry in my comments and I'll get to them............................I promise.

I havent written my review for Idol yet. There werent too many I was really thrilled with. Alot of "I likes" and not enough "Hell yeahs" to fill an entry...even with 3 night's worth of notes. Im wondering if this will be my last year watching ...or if I'll even make it through the whole year. So damn many plants this year. We'll see once we get through Hollywood week. The big question is, do I really want to put myself through that work again this year?

My SCSis is presently staying with her sister and mom in Ga. The last call I got was loaded with boo-hoos because she'd had a ~really~ horrid day. I wont go into details here. I will say that I finally had enough for the most part and as she was raging at all the things she wanted to do to the man (and I can understand those feelings...I had them at one point or another myself)...I told her to "shut up". Yeah...I used that term with my bestie of nearly 30 years. I told her that yeah I know she wanted to do all this mean, hurtful stuff and it's ok to feel that way BUT she shouldnt ACT on it and proceeded to tell her why she shouldnt (can anyone say stalking and harrassment with the intent to do harm?). I then gave her a suggestion to check out a certain not for profit organization that might be able to help her out, if not directly...then certainly they may have certain resources that will get her steered on the right path. I told her she needed to go sooner rather than later. She did do one thing right though....she called ME at 1230am...and NOT her x2b. Im so proud of her for that. She's also started taking steps for life after divorce.....address change and bank account changed so he has no access to her funds (not that she has any to work with anyhow). I wish she would have done all this sooner to be honest. She IS facing the fact that she's "screwed" and has actually used that term. The one mistake she made during this call was when she asked me how I'd feel in her shoes. It's a mistake because Im likely to be alot more blunt with what I say when Im feeling poorly. I was extremely blunt with her. I told her from day one I would have been packing, getting my ducks in order, changing accounts and would have been talking to a lawyer already. It would have all been done BEFORE I lost my job (not that that was expected but you have to figure if the jerk you're living with gets you thrown in jail, it's highly possible they're going to find a way to leak info to someone in Human Resources or a Co-Owner and manage to get you fired from your job )...at least I would have gotten the first meeting out of the way so I had an idea which steps I needed to take. I qualified it with a "but then again, Im much more pessimistic than you". Boiled down, I told her "I told you so" without being overly cruel about it. Yeah, I know it wasnt really nice, but it was stuff she needed to hear.

We started getting some mixed precip last night (Monday). When I peeked outside, it looked like we were getting some white stuff on the ground again. YAY. The weather's calling for a couple days worth of snow. It'll be nice if the ground gets fully covered over again.

We're on the night shift here. I havent decided if I'm going to stay up real late as per my usual or if Im going to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Im leaning towards the latter to be honest. Not today, obviously....maybe the next sleep cycle. I could use the extra sleep....

I have scads of stuff I emailled myself that I've meant to blog. With any luck, I'll be getting the email cleaned out in the next few days and get some of it put up. I think there's a game or three in there that I saw in other blogs that I wanted to do in mine....I know there were a few jokes that will be going up in the appropriate blog area.

I think that's it....if you can think of something that I didnt cover that you're wanting to know about....put it below in the comments.

Oh...and if someone could kindly talk me through those nifty little messages that some people have up near their comment boxes (Jeannie....Dorky.....someone.....anyone....)...Im thinking I'd like to add something like that to my blog as well.

some bad news and the creative moose wanders around unsupervised

I got a letter from mom and daddy this morning stating that their ability to do any travelling this year is more than likely going to be nixed. This really kind of sucks for them because they have gotten to where they go to Indiana once a year to visit with my brother, his wife and their kids. The reason why their plans are pretty much shot is because of this:

http://www.modbee.com/local/story/564758.html

Mom's been working for them for several years. Thankfully, there should be some semblance of a severance check...but we all know that the money doesnt last all that long and she aint exactly a spring chicken. Let me rephrase that, it's going to be a trifle more difficult for her to find a job as she'll be turning 59 in August and has no more than a high school diploma (she became a housewife right after graduation). She and I are alot alike, all we know is retail.

In answer to the Grand Pooba's question in the last entry, yes, that is where the new title came from. I'd been thinking for weeks that this blog needed a different title and had been looking for something that sounded just right. I pulled up lyrics to all my favortie songs, and scoured the motivational/ inspirational quote sites, finding nothing that captured my attention. Then, while my mind was on something else entirely (namely a quote that Chicago and I saw on a t-shirt last night that I thought would just work for what I wanted), the creative moose gnawed through her lead, kicked down the stall door and commensed to singing show tunes. She wasnt singing just any show tune either...oh no. She pulled up one from my choir and theater past....that particular song from Pippin. Mind you, I hadnt thought of that musical in years.... Anyhow, it seems to match my mood lately.

Now to come up for snappy titles for the other 5 blogs on this account.....

today's ride:
Calories burned: 373.3
trip miles: 10.66
ave mph: 21.32

link for pictures

Calories burned: 385.5
trip miles: 11.01
ave mph: 22.02

best on this level

I know I havent blogged about the trip to TN yet. I probably wont because it was rather uneventful. There are some pictures here though:

http://s4.photobucket.com/albums/y103/ladystyx1969/2008-12%20Trip%20to%20TN/

I was rather inspired by a few of the trees in the area as they showed such character. Not every tree draws me like these did. The one at the edge of the property looks quite old. It's enough to make someone wonder what all it may have witnessed over its long life. I dont think it's old enough to have seen any action from the Civil War, although it certainly could have from where it's standing as according to my MIL... the Confederates had actually been on the hills seen in the distance behind it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tazewell,_Tennessee

interlude: Signs of the times

Calories Burned: 367.8
trip miles: 10.5
ave mph: 21.00


Tension level 4 and what a decent ride to start with! You know what makes it so good? It's because Im just about on average for last month's rides even though Im a whole level higher.

Last month's averages:
Ave calorie burn per day: 368.64
Ave trip miles per day : 10.53
Ave mph per day for the entire month: 21.06




Times have gotten rough here for some stores. Infact, several are going out of business along the main strip where I live. I got this shot while we were on the way home from the doctor's office. Three people, from three different stores , on the one corner holding "Store closing sale" signs. The sign on the left is for the furniture store in the strip mall behind our townhouse. The Circuit City store is closing because there's a Best Buy right down the road from them. It doesnt help that the Best Buy actually has better service in their store... The Tweeter sign on the right, Im not entirely sure why they're going out of business around here because there isnt another store that deals with the automotive stereos and installations that Im aware of. I could be mistaken. Anyhow, with people tightening up their belts with the economy the way it's been, it really shouldnt be a surprise that a specialty store like that is closing it's doors.

When were almost home, we spotted this SUV and plate pairing. Nice to know this person has a bit more than the average person, but did they really have to brag about it on their plate? EXESSI So is this the first of many EXESSes? Or is that I actually an I and not a Roman Numeral 1? I wonder if those people stuck in the cold on the corner holding those "Store Closing" signs got to see it? I wonder what THEIR thoughts on it were?

.oO(gotta love when I get the entry ready the night before...just gotta add the trip info....)

I am me...and I am okay

"I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

-Virginia Satir, American Phychologist & educator